None Of the Above Leads Crowded GOP Field

In a stunning development, the latest AP-Ipsos 2008 presidential poll shows that None Of the Above has moved into the lead for the GOP nomination. Mr. Above received almost 23% of the vote, up from just 14% in June, to outpace Rudy Giuliani (21%) for the first time. Filling out the field are Fred Thompson (19%), John McCain (15%) and Mitt Romney (11%).

"This shows my message is resonating with the electorate," said Mr. Above in an exclusive interview with Haiwee.blogspot.com. "The American people are ready for change. They want a return to the traditional conservatism of Goldwater instead of the corporatism disguised as conservatism of George W. Bush and being peddled by the other GOP candidates."

Sounding much like a conservative Democrat, Mr. Above insists his views are in the mainstream. "I am, of course, opposed to abortion because I think it's immoral," he says. "However, I believe Roe Vs. Wade is settled law. Moreover, I would never deign to think any man should have a say in how a woman controls her own body."

Mr. Above is also moderate on the issue of gay marriage. "I don't necessarily think gays should be able to marry, but I do think they should be afforded the same rights and privileges as heterosexuals. Gay people don't choose to be gay any more than I chose to be a man. Denying them the rights we all hold dear is both unfair and immoral."

Mr. Above had some harsh words for the President. "I believe we should return to a foreign policy that emphasizes diplomacy and rejects preemptive war," he said. "This president has violated the principles upon which this country was founded," he continued. "He got us into an unnecessary and unjust war for no apparent reason, and it's time we got out."

None Of the Above also differed with Mr. Bush in his approach to the environment. "Since when is it considered 'conservative' to rape the commons?," he railed. "We conservatives should be conserving nature, not selling it out to the highest bidder. We also have an obligation to future generations to begin doing something about global warming. The jury is no longer out: we are systematically destroying our planet, and George Bush has done nothing to stop it."

To close the interview, Mr. Above quoted from his campaign stump speech: "A vote for None Of the Above is a vote for change in America. Any good, thinking, patriotic Republican can take one look at the GOP field and easily see their only rational choice is to vote None Of the Above."